Regrets

I don't believe that one can reach my age without some sorts of regrets.  For the most part, I am happy with the place to which my life has brought me.  If everything had not happened like it did, I would not be where I am.... (I believe).  So, for the good and for the bad, I am grateful - most of the time.

One thing I would change is playing with my children, particularly Child A.  He used to ask for a "game night".  He would ask me to play his favorite games - ones that I did not particularly appreciate.  I wish that I had put more of my time into him.  I wish that I had spent the time with him as he had asked repeatedly. 

There are things that I should have done in reference to my family, especially my children.  The new year brings memories of past years.  Fond memories of childhood smiles, toothless grins, home "ex-ter-cizing" on the livingroom carpet, winning video games when little fingers could not even write, Reading Rainbow, "This is the song that never ends", .... I could go on forever.  Those memories bring both comfort and pain.

Missing Kindergarten Graduation.  Missing basketball games.  Missing band concerts.  Missing key signs of problems. 

I never claimed to be the 'perfect' parent.  But could I have been better?  I heard the other day an conversation regarding parenthood - the father asked if he was a bad parent for not sending his son to a private school --- the answer was no, but he would be a pretty crummy parent if he did not torture himself for not sending the child to private school.............  Does that apply to me?  Was I a good parent BECAUSE I torture myself for the failures of my life? 

Again, more questions than answers.  My children are the only ones who can answer this question - and the only ones who will suffer from my failures. 

I can only say once, and for always, I wish I had done a better job.  I am sorry for not doing better. 

BUT on the good side - Both Child A and Child B are wonderful people and successful members of society.  I am proud of them both.

Thank you for being the people you are.