Catching up

Last night, the SO and I went to dinner with some friends we have known since Child A and Child B were small.  I refuse to OLD friends, but they are indeed, very dear friends.  We had not seen them in years (literally), but it was just like old times.  We played a little catch u  p, what are your kids doing now, my kids are doing....  Work is good, etc. 

I guess what delighted me was that we just picked up where we left off.  We are all more articulate and understanding than we used to be (at least I am).  We got to dinner at 1730 (that's 5:30 PM to those of you not used to military time) and talked until almost 2000.  The food was wonderful.  The company was better. 

I love friends who know the good and bad in you and still love you.  Some one you can talk about politics and religion and still remain friends.  (Those kinds of friends are rare indeed!)  I don't even like to talk politics with the SO.....   They had spent the day listening to speeches by Christian martyrs.  I would guess that would put my problems into perspective......  I haven't been shot at for loving Jesus.... Have you?

Friends......  Another of my long time friends, whom I have known for at least 20 years, told me that it is nice to have my smiling face back at the hospital.  I feel the same about her.  She used to tell me that I did not give my kids enough for holidays - I told her she was always over the top on holidays.  She told me to learn to iron - I told her that the condition of my pants did not indicate the knowledge in my head.  She is one of the few people who tells me what she thinks and I can listen. 

Another long time friend, told me that she was so proud of me and that she was blessed to have known me.  This friend believed in my when I was feeling very low and gave me a chance to excel.  She encouraged me.  She gave me wings.  She blessed me and loved me and I will always have a special place in my heart for her. 

When I die, I want a party for my friends and family.  I want songs and love and happiness because that is what I try to portray everyday of my life.  I want people to sit around and tell funny stories about my many times in the ankle boot (3 to date).  I want you to remember the good in me.  The good I did.  The best things about me.  I want you to forget those things I failed at.  They are gone and I will be as well, so only remember the best.  I hope that will make your life better, because you have made mine better in just that way.

Thank you.

How is that other people's kids grow up so fast?

Since coming back to West Texas, I have been renewing old friendships (and remembering why I love this place) and laughing about how time passes.  So, anyway, I was talking to a long-time friend (I refuse to say OLD) the other day.  She, like me, cannot believe how the kids have gotten so grown up - I mean, after all, I am only 20 myself.  So how can Child A be 25 and Child B be 23???  This is a question for the quantum physics guys.  How can children be older than I feel?  This is important.....

I still feel young.  I have only a few sprigs of grey hair.  I am in better shape than I have been since I was 13 (REALLY!)  *if you take away the broken ankle*.....  My outlook on life is more positive than I can remember.  Wait.......

When I was younger, I felt so much fear.  I was scared for my children.  I was scared that I would never be the professional that I wanted to be.  I was scared that I would never find the 'perfect' partner.  I was scared that my marriage would fail.  I was scared I would not make the budget weekly.  Fear ruled my life.

I understand how I came to be afraid.  My childhood was difficult.  My parents had a tumultuous relationship.  My dad was so ill for so long.  There was not enough money to go around.  There was a lot of competition for all of the family resources.  I learned early that nothing is to be taken for granted.  NOTHING should be taken for granted.  Not people, not time, not resources, not love....... nothing.

I guess the lesson is that no matter what, it always gets better.  Maybe not the 'better' that we would prefer and maybe not the 'perfect' that we want..... but better.  Sometimes we just learn to 'deal'.  Sometimes we figure out what we are doing to contribute to our tribulations.  Sometimes we distance ourselves from the tribulations.....  Whatever, it gets better.

Which brings me to an old text which says (paraphrasing), Why do you worry about those things you can't change?  Why do you worry at all?  Because in the end, things will change - and you will be in a new situation - learn to deal with it.  Just live and be happy.  TODAY!

Just Chillin'

So, I'm at home, alone in the evening.  LOVIN' IT!  I had forgotten how nice it is to just veg and chill on the sofa - watch whatever I feel and eat whatever I feel and just 'lax!  As much as I enjoy the SO's company (that's Significant Other), it is nice to just be with me.

Which leads me to another thought.  I didn't always enjoy my own company....  I used to feel a sense of anxiety, a pit in the middle of my stomach when I was in my own company.  A sense of unease and, worse, not sure why I was feeling the unease....  I still have those feelings, but they are fewer and fewer. 

But it leads me to another thought.  Do others have the same feelings.  The same sense of unease...? 

I believe that I have grown and matured (but don't get any ideas - I am NOT old).  And I have learned to like myself.

I think that perhaps the hardest lesson to be learned is to like yourself.  To realize that you are as good as you will be (for whatever reason), and to be content.  Content.... that is a sense that I never thought to apply to myself.

Content.  Rest.  Breathing deeply.  AAAAAAhhhhhh........!

Everybody deserves to have someone who loves them just for being them

Years ago, I remember having a LONG discussion with my spouse (lovely man he is - when I don't want to kill him....) about love.  Now, I know that love is 'many splendored thing', but it is also the bain of the existance of many....  Not enough love.  Too much love.  The wrong kind of love.  The right kind of love.  Crazy love.  Regretful love.... you name it, there is that kind of love.  (This is my blog, so you don't have to agree with me - get your own blog if you don't...)

So, as I sit here, ruminating on my life and the things I have seen and done in it.  It occurs to me that I still believe in love.  I wouldn't want to be at the beginning of my love with the lovely spouse (it was too painful and hard), but I still believe in love.

I still believe that everyone deserves to be loved, and appreciated, for just being them -- warts and all.  My niece and I had a conversation the other day about love.  She asked me what is REAL love.  Now, I may have some snow on the rooftop, but I am not Solomon.... I don't know what is REAL love.  For me, real love is the guy who wants to snuzzle your neck when you haven't had a bath, who doesn't laugh at your hair when you roll out of bed, who buys pizza when the dinner is a disaster....  (or girl).  Who tells you an opinion, but doesn't make it an arrow at your heart.  Who can let you make your mistakes and not point them out. (Why would you want to make your love feel stupid???) 

For me, love is the argument that ends in laughter.  The willingness to try to understand, when you have no basis for the understanding.  The understanding that in some issues, there is no middle ground and you just have to agree to disagree.  That every opinion has merit, even when you just 'don't get it'. 

For me, love means acceptance, kindness, reaching out and knowing that you will not get your hand slapped for the effort... 

"Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails." (I Cor. 13:4-8)

I couldn't have said it better myself......

The support and encouragement of others

When you're feeling down, lower than the floor, just look around .....  OK.  I stole (borrowed) that from a movie.  But it illustrates my point.  Just look around.  If you are like me, you have support from quadrants that you just don't see everyday, or expect ... 

I have a nasty habit of over-extending myself, and my abilities.  Some how, things always work out, but in some cases, it requires an extended amount of work and effort -- not always on my part.  Luckily (or perhaps blessedly), someone is always there to bail me out.  They help me to see the end of the tunnel, to picture the end of the tunnel --- to avoid the train coming towards me in the tunnel.

I can say thank you to all of you who help me everyday, in every way. 

Thank you, Honey - for loving me in spite of my faults.

Thank you, Child A for being so forgiving and loving.

Thank you, Child B for your piss and vinegar.

Thank you, my sweet sister, for being my best friend.

Thank you, my first child, for showing me the best of myself.

I love you!

Just can't get well......

I am afflicted with a cold that just will not go away.  It started just after I got to town and just keeps hanging around, like a relative who won't go home.  Coughing, snotting, wheezing....  Dang!  I am sick of it.

Expectorants.  Yuck!  Taste terrible, but work well enough.

Cough suppressants.  Again, YUCK!  Don't really help....

Acetomenophen.  Pain management is the best.

Hot Tea.  Soothing on the throat, but making me a little sick at my stomach.

Bronchial Dilators.  Wheezing.  Wheezing.  Wheezing.  Cough, cough.  Spit.

Have I grossed you out yet?

I am thinking that an old-fashioned remedy might work --- Shot of bourbon every 15 minutes until feel better or passed out.

Yea, that is likely to be the most effective intervention I could take.

Stay tuned, I am in the market for an improving health.  Any suggestions.....????

Regrets

I don't believe that one can reach my age without some sorts of regrets.  For the most part, I am happy with the place to which my life has brought me.  If everything had not happened like it did, I would not be where I am.... (I believe).  So, for the good and for the bad, I am grateful - most of the time.

One thing I would change is playing with my children, particularly Child A.  He used to ask for a "game night".  He would ask me to play his favorite games - ones that I did not particularly appreciate.  I wish that I had put more of my time into him.  I wish that I had spent the time with him as he had asked repeatedly. 

There are things that I should have done in reference to my family, especially my children.  The new year brings memories of past years.  Fond memories of childhood smiles, toothless grins, home "ex-ter-cizing" on the livingroom carpet, winning video games when little fingers could not even write, Reading Rainbow, "This is the song that never ends", .... I could go on forever.  Those memories bring both comfort and pain.

Missing Kindergarten Graduation.  Missing basketball games.  Missing band concerts.  Missing key signs of problems. 

I never claimed to be the 'perfect' parent.  But could I have been better?  I heard the other day an conversation regarding parenthood - the father asked if he was a bad parent for not sending his son to a private school --- the answer was no, but he would be a pretty crummy parent if he did not torture himself for not sending the child to private school.............  Does that apply to me?  Was I a good parent BECAUSE I torture myself for the failures of my life? 

Again, more questions than answers.  My children are the only ones who can answer this question - and the only ones who will suffer from my failures. 

I can only say once, and for always, I wish I had done a better job.  I am sorry for not doing better. 

BUT on the good side - Both Child A and Child B are wonderful people and successful members of society.  I am proud of them both.

Thank you for being the people you are.