So, I am looking back and I realize --- I haven't posted to my blog is sommmme time.  To my readers (such as you are) I do apologize.

Things around here have been hectic.

Professionally:  The program is moving along well.  I believe we will do fine at survey time.

Personally:  The spouse is a contributing part of society.  Child A is doing well - he does appear to be an adult.  I am very proud.  Child B continues to amaze me daily. 

Individually:  I am not taking very good care of myself.  But, I have learned better and will take this to heart.

What else?  I started school again.  *more letters behind my name*  Wonder what I will be when I grow up?

Does anybody know?  Cause I would sure like to know........

Amazing!

Floods.  Fires.  Wars.  Death.  Destruction.  Poor attitudes.  Illness.  ........ There is always something bad happening.  The Devil [or whatever you believe is the base of evil] is always busy at work in the world (it is his job and he is very good at it).  You can focus on this badness.  You can let it rule your world.  I see the evil - I simply prefer to focus on the good.  Its there.

You have to look harder.  Find the flower pushing up amid the weeds.  Its there.... I promise.

Yesterday, Autism Speaks hosted a walk at Mission Fitness on Highway 191 (Thank you so much to that organization!).  It was a SMASHING success.  The people of West Texas came out to a dusty, windy day to raise awareness for Autism.  They raised approximately $55,000 dollars to support Autism research.  About 600 walkers.  It was awe-inspiring. 

To the vendors who came out to the site, who donated in-kind and supplies, who's staff worked to raise money - THANK YOU cannot be enough.  You have my unending gratitude.

To the people who took the time from thier busy schedules to walk.  THANK YOU!  It brought tears to my eyes to see you on the walking track.

To the committee who worked so hard to make this a success.  THANK YOU.  I LOVE YOU GUYS.  See you again next year.

To the men in our family who have found a way to be successful with Autism.  You make me proud to be your *insert appropriate noun here*.  I love you guys.  You have made my life colorful and full.  I am proud to be able to claim you.

To my wonderful sister.  You are always up for whatever I dream up.  I could not ask for a better friend or family. 

THANK YOU.  And remember, without the darkness, you can't find the light.  And there is plenty of light out there - you just have to focus on it.

No Easter Bonnet for Me.....

For years, I tried to "keep up with the Jones".  I have given it up.  I much prefer to be me and if 'you' don't like it, too bad.  For years I was afraid that 'you wouldn't like me'.  I have given that up.  Your opinion is not the measure I use to measure my success. 

I used to worry that my 'Easter Bonnet' was not as good as yours.  I worred that my clothes were not nice enough.  I worried that my kids would not be accepted by yours..... 

Not so any more.  I am too old for that.  My life is half over.  I can't do anything about the past, but I can effect the future.  I can be happy with what I am.  I will be happy and content with what I am.

My 'Easter Bonnet' is as good as yours.  I know it.

The forgiveness I have received for my past is the reason I am able to face my future. 

Thank you.  You know who you are.....

Tired. So tired....

Tired.  I must have been tired, but did not know how tired.... Today, the hospital hosted a screening for student (teen) athletes to look for heart (cardiac) problems.  I would bet that everyone knows, or knows of, a youth who simply 'dropped dead' from heart problems on the .....  football field, basketball court, baseball diamond..... from cardiac trouble.  These kids are the reason Automated Electrical Defibrillators were invented and have been so promoted, although these AED's also are effective in other people.

In any case, I was manning the Stroke Booth.....  did you know that the youth (and their parents) make a wide berth for a Stroke Booth, although, I will give them, they were very gracious when I approached them with the literature.

And when I was finished telling them that children were also at risk, they were much more attentive and asking questions.  To a man, every teen was surprised by the information.  One gentleman told me he had had three strokes.  I told him he likely knew as much as did I about strokes, but he still wanted the literature.

May is National Stroke Month.  I will be so busy..... but that is a subject for another day.

I came home, fell asleep on the sofa, and slept for 4 *yes, 4* hours.  I must have been tired.

Well.......  No good deed goes unpunished.

Building Bridges and Relationships

Have you eve watched kids on a playground or in the back yard?  There is a hierarchy of 'superiority'.  It is the same with a flock of chickens.  Leaders and followers.... and those poor *insert appropriate noun here* who have been marginalized.  You can always recognize them.... they are the ones with no feathers on their heads or between their wings....  Poor things.

People are the same.  We recognize the social hierarchy.  And those poor *insert appropriate noun here* who have been marginalized by societal requirements.  Those who are not attractive enough.  Not smart enough.  Not *insert appropriate adjective here*.

Yesterday, I spent some time people watching at the Mall.  (This is the BEST place to learn about human nature.)  Anyway, we were raising money for Autism Speaks and awareness about Autism and to publicize the Autism Speaks Walk on April 30th.  *Plug for Autism following:  If you are in the Permian Basin on April 30th - Come out to Mission Fitness around 0900 and join our walk.  Advertisement ends here.*

This couple with a young boy walked up, and asked about what we were doing.  I told them and the mother/wife told me.... "My son is autistic."  I said, "Oh, COOL!  You will want to come out to the Walk" -- and proceeded to tell her about the Walk.

Now, there is some question whether that was the most appropriate comment I could have made......  Was it COOL that this child has autism?  I think everyone is blessed (or cursed) with whatever it is that makes them --- them.  So, in a sense, it is cool that this child is autistic.  For whatever reason.... he is special.  Unique!  A one of a kind. 

And isn't that COOL?

R. E. S. P. E. C. T. Find out what it means to me...

Life means change.  Growth.  Improvement or death.  The only thing constant in this life is change.  I would not be 20 again for all the dough in Pillsbury Town.  It was too hard.  Learning to be an adult.  As a very wise and wonderful woman once told me (*Diane - Plug here for you!*), young adults are experts at being children, but novices at being an adult.  Very wise words. 

Young adults must learn to interact positively with their peers (which now includes members from all walks of life and all ages).  They have to learn to manage themselves, their finances, their belongings....  They have to learn to manage life and relationships.  And to us who have been around the block a time or two, those memories are bitter-sweet - at least they are to me. 

I remember.... well, perhaps that is a subject for another time.... 

I think the hardest thing to learn is respect.  Respect for others' thoughts, feelings and opinions.  No longer is yours the only one that counts.... now you have to - at least acknowledge - that others have the right to their own opinion.  You do not have the right to ridicule someone else's way of life.  It is not your life, and you have no say in how they live their life.

Recently, a young man (who shall remain nameless to spare him the shame of his behavior) displayed very bad behavior in a public forum.  I was embarrassed for him and I was furious that he would display such a lack of respect for anyone, particularly toward the person/people to whom he displayed it.  SHAME!!!

The fellow who lives with me, loves with me and supports me would NEVER DREAM of talking to me the way this young man did to the young lady he proports to 'adore'.  That was NOT adoring behavior.  Even when the fellow who lives, loves and supports me and I were fighting like the proverbial cats and dogs, he NEVER spoke to me in such a disrespectful manner. 

To that young man, let me give you some advice.  Grow up.  Learn that there are so many ideas, things, opinions, beliefs..... out there.  You have your opinion and you have your belief and you have your ideas.... but they are not for everyone.  Denigrating, belittling and insulting only reflects badly on you.  It does not bring the opposition to your side ---- it further alienates them.

Learn tolerance.  Learn forgiveness.  Learn to love.  Learn to adore. 

....... And NEVER speak to someone like that EVER again.

Restful Afternoon

Nostalgia.  Memories.  Dreams. 

I think back over my life regularly.  Did I do well?  Have I been successful?  Will I continue to be able to make a difference in life?  Am I making other's lives better?

Pretty deep thoughts for a Saturday afternoon.  But as I sit here, listening to the conversation between Child A and the Significant Other....  I miss the past. 

I wish I had taken more time when I had it.  I wish I could spend time with those sweet little children who used to run to me an hug my knees when I got home from work.  What was I doing that was so important?  Why didn't I spend more time with those knee-high joys from my past?

But then I remember -- food.  housing.  Those trappings of 'success' that are required.  I felt I had to put food on the table for those tricycle motors, and shoes on thier feet, and a trip to the ice cream parlor when they wanted.....

Now I know why grandbabies are so important..... they give us another chance to be the person we should have been when we didn't.... wouldn't..... couldn't.  I would wish for another chance.  Please....?

Thank you. 

Sweetbaby

My grandbaby is so sweet.  He just loves his Honey.... and the feeling is so returned!

He is my grandbaby!  His Mommy is my sister and his Daddy is my brother-in-law, but he is my grandbaby.  We have always had a special connection.  I have a picture memory of the lunch celebration after the Master's graduation in 2007, and he is wearing my sunshades *purple bug-a-loo sunshades* and my hand is in the picture in front of him - his shoulder is at the level of my thumb and his hip is at the level of my pinkie... But now, he is a tall, handsome sweet boy.

When he was littler, every time I held him, he went to sleep.  My sister used to say that I must exude sleeping gas - cause little ones go to sleep when I hold them.  *I prefer to think they sense love and care.* 

Today, we went to church.  When he arrived at church, he made (as usual) a beeline for me and asked me, "Honey, do you have to work today?"  I assured him that I was not working today.  He smiled and relaxed into my lap.  Then, he and I colored in the Strawberry Shortcake coloring book.  And ate 'heart-tarts' and drank juice.  Very well behaved.  After church, we found a lovely little alcove with benches out of the wind.  It will be very lovely in the spring, but looked a little dry and dead today. 

Then, we went to lunch.  Lots of fun.

It was a lovely way to start an otherwise difficult day.  The high winds are whipping several grassfires into infernoes.  We are out of the way of the fires, but our sky is dark and frightening.  Several friends have been effected by the smoke, ash and flames.  And the winds are not supposed to subside until late in the evening.  The smoke forced a 5-car pile-up on the interstate where a small child died.

We pray for the rapid end to the flames and for those in the path to be safe.  We pray that those working to snuff out the flames stay safe *I know how fast those flames can surround a rescue vehicle.* 

We pray for rain. 

What a great day!!!

Ever wonder why some days are so much better than others?  Never mind.... don't strain yourself.

I think some days are better than others because I want them to be better than others.  The baby stayed over last night and we had a great time.  We came home and went to the park.  Child A joined us and played with the baby when I was worn out.  Then we went to dinner.  Then we got a Snocone (Bahama Buck's - no better, in my opinion.)  Then we came home, took a long hot bath.  Finished our snocones.  Took a little Benadryl for a runny nose.  Then rocked in the rocking chair for a while, watched a movie.  Then to bed.  Notice I did not say, Then to sleep - because we did not go to sleep, but we did rest until we both fell asleep around 10 last night.

Then, awake, up and off to breakfast with the ladies of the family.  What a great time. 

Next, haircuts all around.  I am now sporting a 'boy's haircut'.  I don't know what this style is called now, but it used to be called a boy's cut --- I am too old and out of touch to know the real name now.

Next, to the grocery store.  Lots of fun there. 

Dropped off the groceries with the spouse and then off to the baby's home to play.  We went for a walk - he rode his new bike....  Or should I say, he pedaled backward and then forward and ran off the road and watched his feet and talked.  I pushed his back, then pulled his handlebars then begged him to pedal....  Please pedal.  Our walk was a lot shorter than planned, but what fun.  The sun.  The wind.  Wonderful weather.

Exhaustion set in about this time and I hightailed it home to rest.  I told the baby that I needed to clean and such, but I was really running away.  (His mom has my everlasting admiration!)

All in all.  A great day.  Wish they could all be this wonderful.

Strokes - NOT just for grownups.....

Here I am in sunny south California this week.  Not for vacation though, for training and education.  I am here at the International Stroke Conference.  An annual event sponsored by the American Heart Association/American Stroke Association to teach healthcare professionals and to raise awareness of stroke.

Did you know that stroke is not a diagnosis?  It is a group of illnesses - Ischemic Stroke (blockages in the arteries to the brain cause death of the tissues), Hemorrhagic Stroke (bleeding into the brain), Intracranial Hemorrhage (bleeding into the deep brain), Subarachnoid Hemorrhage (arterial bleeding into the brain), Transient Ischemic Attack (a warning sign for stroke) --- you get the idea.  BUT, the signs and symptoms are the same:
     - Sudden inability to speak or comprehend.
     - Sudden loss of motor function, usually on one side.
     - Sudden loss of vision in one, or both, eyes.
     - Unexplained sudden, severe headache.
    
If you or anyone you know experiences ANY of these symptoms - GO TO THE HOSPITAL NOW!!!!

Stroke treatment is time sensitive!  The longer you wait, the worse the outcome.  TIME IS BRAIN!!!  You cannot 'regrow' brain cells.  You cannot retrieve those lost memories.  You CAN relearn the skills - walking, brushing your teeth.....  Did you know, Stroke is the 3rd leading cause of death in the US?  Did you know that almost 800,000 people per year have a stroke?

Did you know that every 40 seconds someone has a stroke?

Did you know that 87% of all strokes are ischemic?  That means most of the time - a blockage in the arteries of the brain cause the stroke - like when a heart attack happens.

Did you know that 13% of all strokes are hemorrhagic?  And these are more likely to cause death?

Did you know that men are more likely to have a stroke, but women are more likely to DIE from it?

Did you know that stroke is the leading cause of acquired disability in America?  Victims of stroke literally lose themselves. 

Did you know that children can have a stroke?  The incidence is about the same as for childhood brain tumors (1-3/100,000 per year).  The symptoms are the same as for an adult.  If you see a child having these symptoms - take them to the hospital and don't let the healthcare professionals put is off as a 'mimic' diagnosis.  These kids need an immediate MRI to rule out the stroke.  If it is not a stroke, wonderful!  But don't give up until you get the MRI.

Let's talk about risk factors.  Stroke has definite risk factors.  All of the expected risk factors. 

Diabetes automatically puts you at risk for stroke. 

Diet - did you know that salt intake increases your risk of stroke?  Even WITHOUT hypertension (high blood pressure).  That really scares me because I have high blood pressure and my salt intake is high as well. 

Activity - There is no actual study that supports that activity reduces the risk of stroke, but it will make you more healthy in general, and if you do have a stroke - you will regain more of your lost motor fuction.

HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE IS THE NUMBER ONE MOST CONTROLLABLE RISK FACTOR!  AND IS THE BIGGEST PREDICTOR OF STROKE.  Did you know that blood pressure causes stroke?  Seems a little obvious to me.....  the pressure inside of the vessels MUST effect the end product (the brain). 

Well, seems that I have been ranting for some time.  (Must be missing the SO.) 

I would guess that you might want to know why this is so important to me..... It is NOT because it is my job.  I was passionate about stroke before I got this new job.  You might be interested to know that my Great Grandmother had a disabling stroke.  My Grandmother had a disabling stroke.  My mother has had a stroke (luckily for her, she has had treatment and is still functional and only recently as retired).  I don't want to have a stroke - but it seems to be in the cards for me (and for those of you reading this who are my family members........ YOUR'S TOO!)  

I want the best, most perfect care possible when I have my stroke.  I want the aspirin on admission:  AFTER MY DYSPHAGIA SCREEN!  I want the DVT prophylaxis on the FIRST DAY of my hospitalization.  I want the ANTIPLATELET medication on DAY 1 --- not when pharmacy schedules it tomorrow.  I want the low dose heparin TODAY!  I want my simvastatin continued and I want to go home on it.  I want the EKG to make sure I don't have A-Fib/Flutter.  I want all the education that I need - because when a person is in a state of panic (and you can be sure that I will be) - the average level of understanding is about grade 3-4.  I want definitive treatment.

I want you to FIX THE PROBLEM! 

......... So I can return to work and remind you that there is another patient on your floor who wants the same things I did.....  the best treatment possible. ------------  They want to go back to work too.

Catching up

Last night, the SO and I went to dinner with some friends we have known since Child A and Child B were small.  I refuse to OLD friends, but they are indeed, very dear friends.  We had not seen them in years (literally), but it was just like old times.  We played a little catch u  p, what are your kids doing now, my kids are doing....  Work is good, etc. 

I guess what delighted me was that we just picked up where we left off.  We are all more articulate and understanding than we used to be (at least I am).  We got to dinner at 1730 (that's 5:30 PM to those of you not used to military time) and talked until almost 2000.  The food was wonderful.  The company was better. 

I love friends who know the good and bad in you and still love you.  Some one you can talk about politics and religion and still remain friends.  (Those kinds of friends are rare indeed!)  I don't even like to talk politics with the SO.....   They had spent the day listening to speeches by Christian martyrs.  I would guess that would put my problems into perspective......  I haven't been shot at for loving Jesus.... Have you?

Friends......  Another of my long time friends, whom I have known for at least 20 years, told me that it is nice to have my smiling face back at the hospital.  I feel the same about her.  She used to tell me that I did not give my kids enough for holidays - I told her she was always over the top on holidays.  She told me to learn to iron - I told her that the condition of my pants did not indicate the knowledge in my head.  She is one of the few people who tells me what she thinks and I can listen. 

Another long time friend, told me that she was so proud of me and that she was blessed to have known me.  This friend believed in my when I was feeling very low and gave me a chance to excel.  She encouraged me.  She gave me wings.  She blessed me and loved me and I will always have a special place in my heart for her. 

When I die, I want a party for my friends and family.  I want songs and love and happiness because that is what I try to portray everyday of my life.  I want people to sit around and tell funny stories about my many times in the ankle boot (3 to date).  I want you to remember the good in me.  The good I did.  The best things about me.  I want you to forget those things I failed at.  They are gone and I will be as well, so only remember the best.  I hope that will make your life better, because you have made mine better in just that way.

Thank you.

How is that other people's kids grow up so fast?

Since coming back to West Texas, I have been renewing old friendships (and remembering why I love this place) and laughing about how time passes.  So, anyway, I was talking to a long-time friend (I refuse to say OLD) the other day.  She, like me, cannot believe how the kids have gotten so grown up - I mean, after all, I am only 20 myself.  So how can Child A be 25 and Child B be 23???  This is a question for the quantum physics guys.  How can children be older than I feel?  This is important.....

I still feel young.  I have only a few sprigs of grey hair.  I am in better shape than I have been since I was 13 (REALLY!)  *if you take away the broken ankle*.....  My outlook on life is more positive than I can remember.  Wait.......

When I was younger, I felt so much fear.  I was scared for my children.  I was scared that I would never be the professional that I wanted to be.  I was scared that I would never find the 'perfect' partner.  I was scared that my marriage would fail.  I was scared I would not make the budget weekly.  Fear ruled my life.

I understand how I came to be afraid.  My childhood was difficult.  My parents had a tumultuous relationship.  My dad was so ill for so long.  There was not enough money to go around.  There was a lot of competition for all of the family resources.  I learned early that nothing is to be taken for granted.  NOTHING should be taken for granted.  Not people, not time, not resources, not love....... nothing.

I guess the lesson is that no matter what, it always gets better.  Maybe not the 'better' that we would prefer and maybe not the 'perfect' that we want..... but better.  Sometimes we just learn to 'deal'.  Sometimes we figure out what we are doing to contribute to our tribulations.  Sometimes we distance ourselves from the tribulations.....  Whatever, it gets better.

Which brings me to an old text which says (paraphrasing), Why do you worry about those things you can't change?  Why do you worry at all?  Because in the end, things will change - and you will be in a new situation - learn to deal with it.  Just live and be happy.  TODAY!

Just Chillin'

So, I'm at home, alone in the evening.  LOVIN' IT!  I had forgotten how nice it is to just veg and chill on the sofa - watch whatever I feel and eat whatever I feel and just 'lax!  As much as I enjoy the SO's company (that's Significant Other), it is nice to just be with me.

Which leads me to another thought.  I didn't always enjoy my own company....  I used to feel a sense of anxiety, a pit in the middle of my stomach when I was in my own company.  A sense of unease and, worse, not sure why I was feeling the unease....  I still have those feelings, but they are fewer and fewer. 

But it leads me to another thought.  Do others have the same feelings.  The same sense of unease...? 

I believe that I have grown and matured (but don't get any ideas - I am NOT old).  And I have learned to like myself.

I think that perhaps the hardest lesson to be learned is to like yourself.  To realize that you are as good as you will be (for whatever reason), and to be content.  Content.... that is a sense that I never thought to apply to myself.

Content.  Rest.  Breathing deeply.  AAAAAAhhhhhh........!

Everybody deserves to have someone who loves them just for being them

Years ago, I remember having a LONG discussion with my spouse (lovely man he is - when I don't want to kill him....) about love.  Now, I know that love is 'many splendored thing', but it is also the bain of the existance of many....  Not enough love.  Too much love.  The wrong kind of love.  The right kind of love.  Crazy love.  Regretful love.... you name it, there is that kind of love.  (This is my blog, so you don't have to agree with me - get your own blog if you don't...)

So, as I sit here, ruminating on my life and the things I have seen and done in it.  It occurs to me that I still believe in love.  I wouldn't want to be at the beginning of my love with the lovely spouse (it was too painful and hard), but I still believe in love.

I still believe that everyone deserves to be loved, and appreciated, for just being them -- warts and all.  My niece and I had a conversation the other day about love.  She asked me what is REAL love.  Now, I may have some snow on the rooftop, but I am not Solomon.... I don't know what is REAL love.  For me, real love is the guy who wants to snuzzle your neck when you haven't had a bath, who doesn't laugh at your hair when you roll out of bed, who buys pizza when the dinner is a disaster....  (or girl).  Who tells you an opinion, but doesn't make it an arrow at your heart.  Who can let you make your mistakes and not point them out. (Why would you want to make your love feel stupid???) 

For me, love is the argument that ends in laughter.  The willingness to try to understand, when you have no basis for the understanding.  The understanding that in some issues, there is no middle ground and you just have to agree to disagree.  That every opinion has merit, even when you just 'don't get it'. 

For me, love means acceptance, kindness, reaching out and knowing that you will not get your hand slapped for the effort... 

"Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails." (I Cor. 13:4-8)

I couldn't have said it better myself......

The support and encouragement of others

When you're feeling down, lower than the floor, just look around .....  OK.  I stole (borrowed) that from a movie.  But it illustrates my point.  Just look around.  If you are like me, you have support from quadrants that you just don't see everyday, or expect ... 

I have a nasty habit of over-extending myself, and my abilities.  Some how, things always work out, but in some cases, it requires an extended amount of work and effort -- not always on my part.  Luckily (or perhaps blessedly), someone is always there to bail me out.  They help me to see the end of the tunnel, to picture the end of the tunnel --- to avoid the train coming towards me in the tunnel.

I can say thank you to all of you who help me everyday, in every way. 

Thank you, Honey - for loving me in spite of my faults.

Thank you, Child A for being so forgiving and loving.

Thank you, Child B for your piss and vinegar.

Thank you, my sweet sister, for being my best friend.

Thank you, my first child, for showing me the best of myself.

I love you!

Just can't get well......

I am afflicted with a cold that just will not go away.  It started just after I got to town and just keeps hanging around, like a relative who won't go home.  Coughing, snotting, wheezing....  Dang!  I am sick of it.

Expectorants.  Yuck!  Taste terrible, but work well enough.

Cough suppressants.  Again, YUCK!  Don't really help....

Acetomenophen.  Pain management is the best.

Hot Tea.  Soothing on the throat, but making me a little sick at my stomach.

Bronchial Dilators.  Wheezing.  Wheezing.  Wheezing.  Cough, cough.  Spit.

Have I grossed you out yet?

I am thinking that an old-fashioned remedy might work --- Shot of bourbon every 15 minutes until feel better or passed out.

Yea, that is likely to be the most effective intervention I could take.

Stay tuned, I am in the market for an improving health.  Any suggestions.....????

Regrets

I don't believe that one can reach my age without some sorts of regrets.  For the most part, I am happy with the place to which my life has brought me.  If everything had not happened like it did, I would not be where I am.... (I believe).  So, for the good and for the bad, I am grateful - most of the time.

One thing I would change is playing with my children, particularly Child A.  He used to ask for a "game night".  He would ask me to play his favorite games - ones that I did not particularly appreciate.  I wish that I had put more of my time into him.  I wish that I had spent the time with him as he had asked repeatedly. 

There are things that I should have done in reference to my family, especially my children.  The new year brings memories of past years.  Fond memories of childhood smiles, toothless grins, home "ex-ter-cizing" on the livingroom carpet, winning video games when little fingers could not even write, Reading Rainbow, "This is the song that never ends", .... I could go on forever.  Those memories bring both comfort and pain.

Missing Kindergarten Graduation.  Missing basketball games.  Missing band concerts.  Missing key signs of problems. 

I never claimed to be the 'perfect' parent.  But could I have been better?  I heard the other day an conversation regarding parenthood - the father asked if he was a bad parent for not sending his son to a private school --- the answer was no, but he would be a pretty crummy parent if he did not torture himself for not sending the child to private school.............  Does that apply to me?  Was I a good parent BECAUSE I torture myself for the failures of my life? 

Again, more questions than answers.  My children are the only ones who can answer this question - and the only ones who will suffer from my failures. 

I can only say once, and for always, I wish I had done a better job.  I am sorry for not doing better. 

BUT on the good side - Both Child A and Child B are wonderful people and successful members of society.  I am proud of them both.

Thank you for being the people you are.